Christmas is over (had a great Christmas) and tomorrow the tree goes away. Uh, school is starting in 6 days!! I did bad on my finals, so I'm kinda scared about this term. I really have to get organized (funny because I am an organize freak lol) but I need to get my thoughts and priorities on track. I am not one for resolutions (have never made one) but this year I think I will. I need to start saving money because I'm always spending money on stupid things. Since I work at the mall, on my breaks I go shopping or get something to drink/eat. I spend so much money that I don't even realize at the time while I'm working lol. I guess a way to save money would be to quit my job since I never spend money while I'm not working and never shopped before I got a job at the mall. Come to think about it I hate malls lol, but like the place and people. I had a job for 2 years at a gym (free membership!) and I think I'll try getting a job at one. I just hate looking for a job, too much time and effort. Anyways, tonight for new years I think I am just gonna stay in with my boyfriend since we went out last night on a double date to a bar to watch a blues band. Oh Christmas...my first Christmas on my own! Christmas eve me and J.R (BF) went to my mom's for dinner (corn and beans) then to midnight mass. In the morning had coffee, opened presents, went for a walk along the golf course (the condo is on a golf resort), made brunch (omelet, toast, hash browns, bacon - I has a 2 egg white omelet and half a hash brown..and I'm a vegetarian), went to his friends' house to see their 2 children, then came back home and I put on the lingerie from J.R's stocking. So it was good, I ate a lot of chocolate (I became a choco-holic in grade12 when I ate it and hated it then was like what I must love chocolate and made myself like it, now I actually love it haha) it's all good though because I weighed myself out of curiosity(and for the first time in a year) on Christmas and boxing day while at a friends house and I went down a lb in a day that I ate brunch and chocolate haha (103lbs/102), scales are F-ed if you didn't already know. Anyways, back to tonight (New Years Eve) red wine! haha, then to another couples house that lives down the road, oh and today, in about 2 hours I am going to the movies with my mom.
So to whoever reads this, I wish you a wonderful night and a wonderful year to follow. It's funny to think that new years is when people make resolutions, but on new years eve everyone goes out and drinks like mad to the point where in the morning (first day of the new year) they feel like death rather than inspired and excited for life and the year ahead. This world is F-ed up lol, but I am sure you all know that.
31 December 2009
14 December 2009
My BMI is 16.7
I never really mentioned much about myself. I grew up in Ontario, then when I was done grade 12 moved to B.C.. I took a second year of grade 12 because time I took off from being in the hospital for treatment (just another thing my ED took from me). I had an alright upbringing, I have a good family. 2 older sisters who are beautiful and smart. But then again so am I, and I do have everything going of me. I know I can do anything I want to, the only thing is this stupid problem I have been living with for years. My eating disorder has deprived me of a lot of my potential. I spend time on manipulating my body,which lowers my concentration for better and more meaningful things. Really I have developed a love/hate relationship with an evil disorder that I have created in my mind. All the things I aspire to be have nothing to do with food/my body and I wish this relationship wasn't my way to cope with everything in this world.
I am 19, in collage and living with my boyfriend. My BMI is 16.7: 103lbs and 5ft.5.5in. 18.5 is underweight so I guess as much as I argue with my doctor saying I'm not underweight, I am. But in my mind anyone who's BMI is 18(just underweight) is so overweight, way over average lol... Even if my eating disorder is not active (I am recovered with occasional slip ups) if I was not underweight (fat is over 106lbs), I would have to resort back to an eating disorder. There are ways that people can live good lives and be skinny free of an ED. I am currently in between healthy and anorexic, it takes a lot of time to transition. Most likely, out of my control, I will be here for quite a while.
I am 19, in collage and living with my boyfriend. My BMI is 16.7: 103lbs and 5ft.5.5in. 18.5 is underweight so I guess as much as I argue with my doctor saying I'm not underweight, I am. But in my mind anyone who's BMI is 18(just underweight) is so overweight, way over average lol... Even if my eating disorder is not active (I am recovered with occasional slip ups) if I was not underweight (fat is over 106lbs), I would have to resort back to an eating disorder. There are ways that people can live good lives and be skinny free of an ED. I am currently in between healthy and anorexic, it takes a lot of time to transition. Most likely, out of my control, I will be here for quite a while.
12 December 2009
How to eat anorexic
Eating is a big part of life. It is something that all anorexics have to face...countless times. The worst thing to do is giving hints that you have a problem. Eating disorders thrive on secrecy. Once an eating disorder is picked up on by others EVERYTHING gets complicated. I know that it has to get worse before it gets better and even after hospitalization and near death experiences if the rock bottom pit was not reached (in the mind of who has the ED) a desire will never be for recovery. When everyone you know is always looking over you and living in pain because of your "pain" relationships are destroyed. I do not want another letter from my sister or another phone call to end in an argument over my eating. Once others know or think they know you have an eating disorder there is no freedom, at all. There are ways to eat, I'm not saying you will like it but you can get by in life and avoid a lot of unwanted situations
1. Always seem relaxed when food is near or the topic of food has come up. This is the best tip ever, it also makes others to feel awkward or unsure about mentioning it because you seem better
2. share with people, don't order/have your own plate - you can eat show (very slow) and basically not eat anything while the person with you is eating everything (their 8 chips is my 1 and before you know it they are full and I have had 1.5 small chips)
3. Be seen with food before someone is wondering why you have no food. It will not seem like you have a problem at all, and that doesn't mean you have to eat it, just seem like you would have no problem eating it
4. Lets be real, when you are 90lbs and telling people really unbelievable lies like "I love cheese pizza and dipping my crust in ranch dressing, I eat it all the time, my fav" no one is believing you lol
5. When taking food, take small amounts that look larger than they are, but by no means a normal size plate. While others are eating, just eat small bits and chew for a long time, this way you won't get a painful full feeling it and will be a lot more bearable. Your saliva has enzymes for digesting food so the more you chew the quicker everything will be over with. Then by the time everyone is done your plate is not gone but it look like you ate enough-ish lol
6. Lie as little as possible, don't let it get to that point. The more you can avoid any situation around your ED the less the issue is surfacing and the more you can get away with. Sure when something is mentioned it's bad, but the more days you can get by without others intervening the more days others won't be depriving you of your control.
1. Always seem relaxed when food is near or the topic of food has come up. This is the best tip ever, it also makes others to feel awkward or unsure about mentioning it because you seem better
2. share with people, don't order/have your own plate - you can eat show (very slow) and basically not eat anything while the person with you is eating everything (their 8 chips is my 1 and before you know it they are full and I have had 1.5 small chips)
3. Be seen with food before someone is wondering why you have no food. It will not seem like you have a problem at all, and that doesn't mean you have to eat it, just seem like you would have no problem eating it
4. Lets be real, when you are 90lbs and telling people really unbelievable lies like "I love cheese pizza and dipping my crust in ranch dressing, I eat it all the time, my fav" no one is believing you lol
5. When taking food, take small amounts that look larger than they are, but by no means a normal size plate. While others are eating, just eat small bits and chew for a long time, this way you won't get a painful full feeling it and will be a lot more bearable. Your saliva has enzymes for digesting food so the more you chew the quicker everything will be over with. Then by the time everyone is done your plate is not gone but it look like you ate enough-ish lol
6. Lie as little as possible, don't let it get to that point. The more you can avoid any situation around your ED the less the issue is surfacing and the more you can get away with. Sure when something is mentioned it's bad, but the more days you can get by without others intervening the more days others won't be depriving you of your control.
10 December 2009
Example of a day
Breakfast (8:00Am)
--> black coffee
1/2 cup all bran, 1/4 cup grapes-sliced (add water, microwave50sec.) (100cal)
Snack (10:30Am)
-->2 celery stalks with teaspoon of mustard (11cal)
Lunch(12:00Pm)
-->1.5 cup spinach (15cal)
1/4 cup salsa (25cal)
Snack (2:30Pm)
-->apple (don't finish it) (60cal)
Dinner (5:00Pm)
-->1.5cup water with 1teaspoon vegetable broth powder (7cal)
total 1/2 cup cooked (green beans/bell peppers/ongion/brocolli, spinach, celery) (35cal)
Snack (7:30PM)
--> few cucumber slices (12cal)
--> black coffee
1/2 cup all bran, 1/4 cup grapes-sliced (add water, microwave50sec.) (100cal)
Snack (10:30Am)
-->2 celery stalks with teaspoon of mustard (11cal)
Lunch(12:00Pm)
-->1.5 cup spinach (15cal)
1/4 cup salsa (25cal)
Snack (2:30Pm)
-->apple (don't finish it) (60cal)
Dinner (5:00Pm)
-->1.5cup water with 1teaspoon vegetable broth powder (7cal)
total 1/2 cup cooked (green beans/bell peppers/ongion/brocolli, spinach, celery) (35cal)
Snack (7:30PM)
--> few cucumber slices (12cal)
Total Day:265 calories
Tips - I know what to do
I am not constantly being anorexic, actually I eat normally more than not.
It's east to look thin and great (my problem is I have no mind body connection, my mind is off)
If you want to be under 100lbs you have to:
-Have structure to your day: Wake up in the morning and eat something. If you sleep in you will never start your metabolism and you burn little calories while sleeping. Start the day with a BLACK coffee! put in a mug 1/2 a cup of all bran, 1/4 a cup of grapes (sliced in half) and water until you can see it, microwave for 50seconds. It is really good, and promotes digestion (fibre is your best friend)
-Do not add crystal light, or any 0 calorie sweetener to any of your drinks: low cal sweeteners give your body mixed up messages and your body will treat it as it is sugar anyways (its true)
-Push ups/walking: Push ups build muscle when you have muscle your resting metabolic rate is higher so you will burn more calories doing whatever. Walking is easy and can be incorporated into your day easily. Really just live an active life that is second nature to you, walk fast rather than slow and just don't be lazy.
-Eat foods with few calories and that you enjoy eating: spinach is great to add to any vegetables and fruits because you will get full faster on fewer calories. Try 1 cup of spinach and 2 table spoons of salsa as a snack
-Message your stomach in a clockwise circular motion after you eat or when you feel full/anxious: it promotes digestion
-Do not eat salt, sugar and fat foods
-Do eat fibre foods, like vegetables and fruits
-DO NOT eat more than 120 calories at one time
-DO NOT eat more than 500 calories a day
And please brush your teeth often and chew gum because when you don't eat, your mouth has less saliva and your breath will smell!
It's east to look thin and great (my problem is I have no mind body connection, my mind is off)
If you want to be under 100lbs you have to:
-Have structure to your day: Wake up in the morning and eat something. If you sleep in you will never start your metabolism and you burn little calories while sleeping. Start the day with a BLACK coffee! put in a mug 1/2 a cup of all bran, 1/4 a cup of grapes (sliced in half) and water until you can see it, microwave for 50seconds. It is really good, and promotes digestion (fibre is your best friend)
-Do not add crystal light, or any 0 calorie sweetener to any of your drinks: low cal sweeteners give your body mixed up messages and your body will treat it as it is sugar anyways (its true)
-Push ups/walking: Push ups build muscle when you have muscle your resting metabolic rate is higher so you will burn more calories doing whatever. Walking is easy and can be incorporated into your day easily. Really just live an active life that is second nature to you, walk fast rather than slow and just don't be lazy.
-Eat foods with few calories and that you enjoy eating: spinach is great to add to any vegetables and fruits because you will get full faster on fewer calories. Try 1 cup of spinach and 2 table spoons of salsa as a snack
-Message your stomach in a clockwise circular motion after you eat or when you feel full/anxious: it promotes digestion
-Do not eat salt, sugar and fat foods
-Do eat fibre foods, like vegetables and fruits
-DO NOT eat more than 120 calories at one time
-DO NOT eat more than 500 calories a day
And please brush your teeth often and chew gum because when you don't eat, your mouth has less saliva and your breath will smell!
Intro
This is me, my body, as it is. I eat and all the time. I don't weigh myself and have no desire to. I love my body, it is perfect and I know it. I have always been a size 00/0 and I'm not scared of being fat because it is not possible for my body to be large. One would think that I have it great, but nope. When I was 12 I began restricting my food, then 15 was hospitalized for an eating disorder. Now at 19, I don't behave as though I have an eating disorder but my mind is not alright. I am lacking the ability to see myself as others do because I see what my mind gathers from my behaviours, so if I feel skinny/fat, I look it (although I always look the same). A lot of what my eating disorder was/is about is reassurance. If I don't eat then I won't be any bigger. I don't want to be any smaller (because that is obvious and unattractive) I just don't want to be bigger. It's hard because I don't know even though I do because I wear the same clothes regardless of my eating for a given day. Even when I look over pictures I have no idea if I was eating properly of restricting because I don't change and I don't remember how I was feeling. So really what the F lol because this is gay. I just wish I could sit and not be distracted by the fat growing all over me, which is so odd because it is not and all I have to do to get my mind off it is touch the area I think is growing and there is nothing there so I no longer feel it. I want to stop reassuring my mind because I don't want to get skinny and I have 
a life to live.
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